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Reflection

New England HarborI’d like to start this post by thanking all of you for your support. I know the news I delivered last week was a bit of a shock, but as usual you gave me grace and compassion when it could’ve been just as easy to judge. Please know how much I appreciate all of your comments and wise words. I’ve read them all and they have been a great comfort. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I had so much anxiety prior to announcing the divorce. I’m not sure why it was so hard to tell you about it. I think part of it was the fear of letting you down. So many of you have stood by me during some pretty intense trials and tribulations. I wasn’t really keen on announcing another earthquake in my life.

And then another part of me didn’t want you to think less of me. Even though approximately half of all marriages end in divorce, there’s still a stigma surrounding the whole thing. And I rather liked my image as a wife and mother of four. Even if it wasn’t entirely perfect, at least it was socially acceptable.

Isn’t it funny how we get comfort from hiding behind what’s deemed socially acceptable?

The other thing I struggled with was the idea that I could influence you to make a drastic decision of your own. That my divorce would put thoughts of discontent into your own head and that’s not something I wanted for you. Because let me tell you, divorce is hard. It’s hard and it hurts.

I don’t want you to hurt and I sure as heck don’t want to be responsible for putting the idea of divorce into your head to begin with. So if you have any doubts about your marriage, don’t be quick to assume that divorce is the answer. It must be the last resort.

That pretty much sums up why I waited to tell you the news. But now that you know, I feel like I can take a full breath again. And while I know the path I’m on will most likely be bumpy for awhile, I know that things are going to be ok.

Because even in rough seas, I’m anchored by people like you who support me. People who believe in me. When you have that going for you, you can’t help but stay afloat.

My boat may be dinged up a bit, but it’s still seaworthy. Let’s see where the wind takes us, shall we?

The End and the Beginning

This post is the hardest one I’ve ever had to write in my blogging career. I’ve started it and erased it more times than I care to recall. Do you remember getting a report card that you were afraid of showing your parents? Did you ever screw something up so badly that you were afraid to be found out? Have you ever failed at something so miserably that you wished your life would just end so that you wouldn’t have to face the world?

Regardless if you’ve shared these feelings or not, that’s where I am today.

When I first started blogging, I never blogged to grow a readership. That wasn’t my intent. I just wrote because I loved it. I never imagined that I would someday have a responsibility to my readers about my life choices. Honestly, that never crossed my mind.

But as the years went on, my blog did indeed grow. Then again, so did I.

Here I am today. Looking at an ice cold pool of water. Terrified of jumping in. Can I handle the shock? Will I get used to my new normal? Will I still be accepted? You just don’t know until you jump into the pool. So here it goes…

I am no longer married.

Take a deep breath. I know this is a shock.

This didn’t just happen this week. Actually, it’s been a long time in coming.

The end of my marriage was not like most. There weren’t any screaming matches. No drama. No feuds over the normal stuff that people typically argue about. There was just a shared resignation that while it sucked, we needed to work together as a team to bring forth the best final chapter of our married lives that we could. For the sake of our children. And for the sake of our sanity.

I know you want details. I can’t give them to you. Some things need to remain private. Out of respect for my former husband and also for the sake of my children. And to be honest with you, your questions would be hard to answer because I don’t have easy answers to give.

This is what I can tell you…

I have very few regrets. Matter of fact, I would do much of it again. My former husband is exactly the father my children need. I am so thankful that he loves his children and continues to work with me to co-parent in a united way that shows our kids that we stand together in all things parenting. For that I am thankful.

As a partner, he did his best to support me in all of the ways he knew how. Did we have our problems? Absolutely, all couples do. But I can’t say that he didn’t try to meet my needs. Even when I didn’t exactly know what those needs were.

I am not an easy woman to be married to. I am wildly passionate about some things and apathetic about others. One day I am on a mission to save the world and the next I’m lucky to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I am up and down worse than the craziest roller coaster. But what cannot be argued is my passion for my family. Even if it’s splitting in half.

I firmly believe that you can have two people who are both great people but together they are not a strong couple.

That is us in a nutshell.

Two good people. But sometimes two positives do not create another positive. I should also mention that I suck at math and science. So don’t go poking holes in my theory. It’s a moot point anyway.

Will I miss him?

Absolutely.

But he will always be a part of my life. We have four children, after all. We are bound together for the rest of our days due to those four beautiful blessings that were bestowed upon us.

And after hours of discussion on how best to move forward, we both believe that civility and respect is what’s best for our children.

While I’m certain that this will come as a shock to mostly all of you, I hope you reserve judgement. Life is hard. Relationships are complicated. And a happy ending is not always guaranteed.

The final chapter of my book has not yet been written. The same is true for my former husband. My wish for both of us is a life filled with peace and joy. A life where a new day brings hope and possibility. And that both of us can look back and say what we created was good and worth the hard effort. Because in my heart, I believe that to be true. And while change is never easy, it’s a part of life. I’m ready to start living again.