Yesterday I had an epiphany moment. A rare moment of absolute clarity that was triggered by four simple words spoken by my nine year old daughter.
And at the time I was completely rushed and not able to chew over what she had said until this morning, but I wanted to share the experience and why it was so important to me. Because many of us struggle with the root issue.
So, what were the magical words?
Mommy, you look beautiful.
Pretty simple, right? I mean, it’s not like any of our kids (yours and mine) haven’t said that at some point or other.
Most of the time I’m running around in capris and t-shirts looking sort of frazzled, so when I slap on some makeup and jewelry, it stands to reason that the kids are going to notice.
But yesterday was different. You see, I’ve been struggling with self esteem issues lately. I’m sure you catch it in my posts now and again.
A sarcastic jab at my boobs here and there, a lament over my waist line, and the occasional “I need Botox” comment.
And I’d like to chalk it up to getting older, but that’s not the case. I’ve always struggled with these types of issues.
Let me give you a practical example of how warped my self esteem is….
I weigh myself every single day. And on the days that I drop by any measure, I feel like a sex kitten.
On the days that I gain even a half of a pound, I see a grossly distorted blown up version of myself in the mirror. And my day is totally shot.
Clearly I have some issues.
But yesterday when my daughter told me that I looked beautiful, it made me take pause. She said it so genuinely that it pierced my heart.
Am I measuring my self esteem against what society thinks is beauty? I think the answer is yes. I think I always have.
I may not be a size two. My skin is no longer wrinkle free. My hands are starting to look thinner and veiny. But that’s not what my child sees.
She sees a different kind of beauty. One that I can’t see because I don’t have her perspective. Hers is wrapped up in the innocence of a nine year old who hasn’t been completely tarnished by society yet.
Her measure of beauty includes facets that society doesn’t take into account. Maybe it’s because I’m the one who comforts her when the mean girls strike at school.
Or maybe it’s because I make the best peanut butter and fluff sandwiches.
Perhaps she finds me beautiful because I shake my head along with her when we’re doing her math homework. Agreeing that it’s impossible and then breaking out the Hershey Kisses for inspiration.
She might even find me beautiful for holding back her hair when she gets sick, or my awesome Bandaid applying skills.
Or maybe it’s the lipstick. She loves lipstick. I could be over thinking this whole thing. It’s quite possible that I just really had a great makeup moment last night.
But that doesn’t matter.
Those four words were said with such purity that it made me take notice. My daughter thinks I’m beautiful.
I may not be beautiful to society’s harsh super model standards, but society doesn’t know my heart. It doesn’t know my soul.
Its judgement is on the outer packaging of our being, but doesn’t take into account the true gifts that lay beneath that outer shell.
My desire is to move beyond that superficial judgement that I subject myself to, and try to see myself from a different vantage point. To look at myself with the same loving eyes as my daughter.
Because in the end, that’s what really matters. That I’m deemed beautiful by those who love me. Because their judgement of beauty carries so much more validity than anyone else’s.
 |
I’m so glad you had that moment with her. I have moments like that with mine as well. Where their simple comments are so heartfelt that it makes me pause, and I feel the words they say. I love that you chose to write about this moment, and to be honest and vulnerable about how you see yourself sometimes. It’s very familiar to me, and I can relate well to the reaction you have to the up and down increments. You are beautiful, and I cant wait to see you and hug you in NYC!
Jenna- You are so kind. I remember talking to you a bit about this at one of the past conferences. It’s such a struggle. I look forward to seeing you in NYC too! One week and a couple of days away!
Love it. Kids sometimes have a way of seeing things more clearly than we adults, huh? You are beautiful–on the inside and out.
I think you are very pretty, but more importantly, I think you have a beautiful soul. You have been through much in your life and I am so thankful that you have the ability to share that with all of us. It helps. I don’t comment often, but I read your blog every single day, first think in the morning. I can relate to so many thoughts and feelings that you express here. You are so beautiful in so many ways. I hope that those innocent words can help you to see that.
What a beautiful post!
If you ever want the truth, ask a child! ;0)
Melanie, you are beautiful and it is about time you think it too! *HUGS*
Muffintopmommy- Thank you. Sometimes kids speak the truth more clearly than anyone else. And sometimes they lie, but usually that’s over who stole the cookies which is an entirely different issue.
Lorraine- From the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s so good to hear from people who are reading. You have no idea how much that means to a blogger. And it means even more to me that you get something out of my posts. Thank you so much for making me part of your day.
Sonya- Thank you. xoxo
Wow, how could you not think you’re beautiful….because you are. I wish you could see what your daughter and others see.
Thank you Mary. When I was a kid I had so many people tell me that I wasn’t attractive that it brainwashed me for life. I’ve been trying to exorcise that toxic thought from my head for all of my adult years. I’m still working on it.
Love your post!!! As a mom who has also struggled now I am faced with 15 year old girls who are falling prey to the mean girls, society and perfectionism. I am finding that if I believe that I am beautiful right now they believe me when I tell them how beautiful they are inside and out. Such a hard thing to see yourself as beautiful flaws and all. Stay strong for your girls as they will need you to echo the same sentiments for them as they deal with their own self esteem.
Fifteen year old girls are brutal. Well, some anyway. Middle school and high school were both detrimental to my self esteem. That’s why I’m highly sensitive to my kid’s thoughts and feelings on this issue. It’s so hard to battle against the idea of what beauty means. A tough fight, but worth it if it means my kids will come out less damaged than me.
I walk in those same shoes many days. And this is why I am so determined to not let my daughter fall into the trap. It’s a never ending battle between friends, media, etc etc. I want her to know it does not matter how skinny you are. What matters is what’s between your ears and that you are healthy and can do what you want to do, not what the scale says.
And YOU. YOU are beautiful in all the ways that matter.
Thank you for that. I agree that it’s a never ending battle. I hope you and I are both able to convince our kids that “it’s what’s between your ears” that counts. Truer words were never spoken.
Thank you for sharing Melanie! I, too, struggle with self esteem issues (I think most women do). If only we could all see ourselves through the lense of a child – how much different would this world be.
I recently read “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore – it completely rocked my world and forever changed my way of thinking. You should check it out!
I love Beth Moore. I haven’t read that book yet, but it’s on my list. Thank you for suggesting it!
You are beautiful Melanie and this is a beautiful post. I’m glad you had a moment to capture this experience with your daughter. Kids can be brutally honest at times and completely transparent in their honesty and perspective. As you say, untarnished by society. Thank you for sharing your life with us and I am sure we will all follow you to your new blog and continue to find inspiration, wit and humor to enjoy every day.
Thank you for your support. That means the world to me.
Thanks for sharing this lovely story. Most of us are to hard on ourselves. The year we joined our neighborhood pool I about died with the reality that I would now be seen in my bathing suit by all the neighbors. I still don’t love it but my boys like me to get in the water and play so I’ve learned to live with it.
-Kris
Kris- I can’t even imagine how hard that would be. Good for you that you are strong enough to conquer that fear for the sake of your kids. That is inspiring.
Well, hello there Miss Mel. You ARE beautiful, just as you are. Every day. Every. Single. Day. I think this conversation with your daughter was lovely. You are empowering them to think about themselves as grown up women too.
You ARE beautiful. Amen to that.
Long time no see Penny! It’s so good to hear from you! And you are beautiful too, my friend. xoxo
Just today, we sat our kids down to watch an episode of NatGeo’s Taboo and it was about facial deformity. There was a little boy with Treacher-Collins syndrome and I watched my kids’ reactions to this boy’s face. I paused the show and asked them what they thought about it. And then we discussed why his face was like that. My husband and I made sure we got the message across that it is never okay to make fun of anyone based on their appearance. If my daughters say a model is pretty, I make sure they know that she is wearing a lot of makeup and that a computer program has changed her appearance. I am doing my best to keep society’s ideals out of my kids’ heads. You are beautiful. Listen to your daughter.
What a powerful moment that must’ve been. To pause a show and address the issue magnifies how important that is to you. I bet your kids will remember that lesson forever. And after reading all of these comments, I’m encouraged that many of us are concerned about this issue and willing to address it with our kids.
Oh my goodness this post made me shed a tear or two, ok maybe more, lots more..lol
I struggle with the same issue ;(.
I’m a size 14 and so desperatelly want to be a size 6 or 8..
My husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am just the way I am, but for some reason I don’t see the same “beautiful” he sees in me. I wish I could see myself through his eyes for just a momemnt, maybe then I will finally stop being dissapointed with my weight and start loving myself more.
I’m glad you had that moment Melanie, I think we all need that moment when we fianlly realized how beautiful we are in our family’s eyes..I pray My moment comes soon because I hate this weight issue I have with my weight.
I totally get you. I’m trying to come to grips with the same stuff. I get so frustrated with my body, but it just makes me feel worse. I need to find a way to focus on the positive stuff. And it’s such a struggle when your mind is so determined to thwart those good intentions. I don’t know what the answer is, but I’m trying to figure it out so that I don’t pass the same craziness on to my kids.
You are one pretty woman. Inside and out. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. And stop getting on the scale everyday:) Beauty is not measurable because it comes from within. My humble opinion.
I know. That damn scale. It was broken for a couple of months and I couldn’t have been happier. And then I bought another one. Sigh.
You are pretty and smart. Smarts are what counts, although pretty is great.
I get on the scales everyday. That way I know whether I am on the right track. I can reject any urge to eat something fattening If I lose, I rejoice and walk on a cloud all day and try even harder.
Because of pain, I have neglected the scales the last few weeks. Just now, I weighed myself and had lost 5 lbs over the last two weeks. So, from now on the scales will be a part of my life everyday. I need to have major surgery and weighing less will be beneficial to surgery and recovery. I will have to relearn how to walk. Weighing every day helps me. I figure it is the same as looking at my face as I wash it or looking at the back of my hair when I fix it. I pay attention to allergy or illness symptoms, so why not keep a close watch on my weight. However, I am not sad if I gain, just annoyed at myself.
I’m so sorry you need surgery. I hope it’s not life threatening and that it fixes whatever it is that’s causing you pain. Sending prayers your way.
Melanie – you are beautiful inside and out! Listen to that beautiful daughter of yours – she speaks the truth! Judy
Thank you so much Judy.
Great topic. my three year old just told me yesterday, “you look so pretty”. Best. Compliment. Ever.
It’s amazing what kids see that we do not.
Jenny
Yup. Kids can be brutally honest. So, if they say something positive, they must really mean it. Unless they want candy. But even if that’s the case, I’ll still take the compliment.
What a wonderful post!! Thanks for sharing. So touching.
You are so welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
You seem to be a very strong, giving, funny and energetic woman.I really hope you get to a point in your journey where you are beautiful in your OWN eyes, and that you are enough.
That would be great to get to that point. And then I could find some other thing to get manic about, lol.
What a special moment, preserved in your lovely words.
Wouldn’t it be fun to be a fly on the wall someday in the future, when your daughter reads how her simple compliment made her Mom feel truly lovely and loved.
Thanks for sharing it.
Yes! That’s one of the reasons I switched to this new type of blogging focus. Someday this will be all that’s left of me. I want to leave something for them that is more vibrant and edifying than what I had been writing about. Thanks for reading!
What a beautiful post Mel, you made me tear up………and the new site is looking awesome!
Thank you Cheryl. And also thank you for sharing the post. That was awfully kind of you.
What a lovely post – So glad you had this moment with your daughter and took it to heart – you are beautiful!
Thank you for that.
Im all honesty, you are actually, really, very much gorgeous looking. I just stumbled across your blog and have to say, your daughter is right. xo
Blush, thank you. That’s very kind.
You ARE beautiful! We have to stop letting society dictate how we feel about ourselves. What your daughter said was genuine and pure, and correct!:)
Have a splendid day and snub that ol’ scale.
Thank you Ashli. You are right. We have to stop letting society dictate how we feel about ourselves. Unfortunately that’s a behavior that I have to learn and constantly remind myself of on a daily basis.
I can related to this post so much and totally need to remember this message, every single day. Thanks for sharing!
You are so welcome Kristen. I’m glad it resonated with you.
Thank you…
I love this. I can relate in a big way. xoxo- K
I found this blog with a link on DineandDish. What a beautiful post. I taught seventh and eighth grade. Talk about mean girls….but I remember one student who was not of model proportions and did not come to school on PE days. The girls took showers in a group setting after PE. She could not handle that. I took her out in the hall one day and had her look through the door window at the rest of the class. I told her (truthfully) that there was not a single girl in that class who was satisfied with her body. Some thought they were too thin, some thought they had “thunder thighs”, some had no boobs, some had too large boobs, etc. I tried to convince her that she was fine just the way she was. Years after I retired, she became my friend on FB. She messaged me that she remembered that day and the feeling that she was OK! Why do we allow airbrushed models to set the standard of “beauty” for the rest of us. You are a beautiful woman and definitely beautiful on the inside. Love yourself!
Pat- Thank you so much for being such an incredible role model. If we had more people like you in the school systems, maybe we’d have a fighting chance. Can you even imagine what an impact that would have on our society? A powerful thought. Thank you for sharing that experience.
Children see what is, not what society tells them they must. And if you cannot see what she sees, don’t check your pulse. Just work toward that goal. Study line form and color, not a Hollywood look alike image
Janis- Yes. I hear you. And you are right. We have to work towards that goal because it is a new learned behavior. And I think that it’s never too late to learn. It’s when we stop trying to learn that we lose the battle.
You’re daughter is right, you are beautiful!! Children are pretty pure and tend to speak the truth. When I had my kids, I threw my self-esteem issues out with the placenta; my kids see me as beautiful and wonderful, so if I say anything bad about myself, they think that there must be something wrong with them. We only say nice things about ourselves in our house too – I am so glad you had this moment, because she is RIGHT, listen to your wise children!
Your home sounds like a wonderfully positive place to live. Your children are blessed.
brought tears to my eyes!
I’ll pass the Kleenex. After reading all of these comments, I’m a fruit loopin’ mess.
I’ve always said that once you start believe you’re half as fabulous as the rest of us KNOW you are… you’ll take over the world
You are beautiful, Mel. Start listening to that smart daughter of yours.
God help the world.
Thank you, my friend. You are too good to me. As usual. xoxo
Lovely post. It’s wonderful when a child touches our heart with just the right thing to say.
On the flip side – get RID of your scale! Right now. Go do it! Scales are so bad for really evaluating how your body is weightwise. If you want a more accurate guage (gauge?) use a tape measure. Muscle will actually weigh *more* than fat. However, it takes up less room. So use a tape measure instead. BUT, don’t do it every day. When you do measure yourself, do it at the same time each day and avoid “that” time of the month or just leading up to it!
Eat healthily, drink water, excercise and love those around you and don’t worry about the other stuff.
I know you are totally right. And I was doing just fine when my last scale died. Happiest weeks of my life. And then I replaced it. Doh. Self inflicted wound.
My little daughter told me once she loved me because I was “squishy like a roll.” LOL! Beauty is best seen in the eyes of our children… I will never forget that my daughter loved the real, beautiful me.
Oh my. If my daughter called me squishy like a roll I’d have a breakdown. You are a stronger woman than me.
Seriously, you are right. Beauty is best seen in the eyes of children. Agreed.
Melanie,
That was so beautiful!! And, you ARE beautiful!!
I needed to read this, needed to be reminded that while it’s good to have a goal to be fit and healthy, to not be consumed with it. My beauty is what is in my mind and heart.
Amen Amanda. And that’s why I dragged you over here to see. xoxo
Melanie,
You ARE a beautiful woman who has so much to give and should NEVER doubt that. I’m a friend/co-worker of your Mom and check in to your site time to time once she told me about the accident. I haven’t taken a peek in months and am truly amazed at your progress.
She tells me that I remind her of you. Sarcastic sister from another mother….oh yeah, I see the similarity.
Continue to take care of yourself. When you make yourself #1 priority, everything else falls into place.
Sending you positive vibes and lots of prayers from Long Island.
Karen
Oh my stars, this post is simply beautiful, I know it is almost a year since you posted it but I have only come across it, I myself have a very low self esteem & lack of confidence in myself, some days I just feel our hatred towards myself, the self loathing can go on for days, I don’t see in myself what my family see in me & I wish I could, I am mid 40 ‘s now & still can’ t learn to love myself & accept the way I am & the way I look, but a huge thank you for sharing such a lovely experience, for a second it does give me food for thought, you beautiful lady.
Karen I
Thank you Karen.
It is very hard for many of us to see anything positive about ourselves. So, we have to trust those that love us that they do so for a reason. 