When I was a little girl, I was afraid of the dark. I mean terrified, and no matter what my parents said or did, nothing calmed my fears. For certain there were vampires hiding in my closet, or aliens waiting to get me under my bed. I was sure of it. So, for years I slept with the lights on.
What I didn’t know back then was that there are bigger things than aliens and vampires to be scared of. That the real life trials many of us have to go through, or will have to go through, make the Boogey Man look like Pooh Bear.
When I went to BlogHer this year, I ran into a bunch of people that I haven’t seen since before to the accident. A few of these women looked at me in awe and called me fearless. That I was so strong and unafraid to power through such a difficult time. And as much as I appreciate and would like to accept their admiration, I have to tell you, they’re wrong.
I’ve had some serious trials in my life, but I can’t think of a single time that I could call myself fearless. Because honestly, I was afraid.
I think people confuse bravery with the lack of other options.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think that there are brave people in this world. You see acts of heroism in the news every day. You hear about people rushing into burning buildings to save other’s lives. There are reports about men and women going into gunfire to save another hurt soldier. That is bravery. That is fearless.
But sometimes bravery is not a choice. Sometimes being fearless is because every other option is not an option.
Last year when the doctors told me that I’d have to receive a blood transfusion after the accident or die, what was I going to do? Reject it? No options there.
This past week while I was at BlogHer, my oldest son got his driver’s permit which totally scares the crap out of me. But what can I do about that? Tell him he can never drive a car because I’m afraid a distracted driver will kill him?
My longtime readers know that I’m afraid to fly. And after trying everything from hypnosis to counseling to conquer that fear, it’s still there. My only option would be never to travel. That’s not an option at all considering that I’m an explorer at heart.
The way I look at fear is this…
You can either look at fear as if it’s dragging you along through the gravel of life while you hold on by your fingertips, getting the worst case of road rash as you’re pulled along OR you can ride fear like it’s an untamed stallion and do your best to stay on top of it without being bucked off.
The only difference between the two is your mindset. One is a reactive mindset and the other is a proactive mindset. Will you get to the same ending? Sure you will. But the reactive mindset makes you feel like you don’t have any control over the situation. The fear is controlling you and influences your choices.
That’s a scary place to be. Feeling like you have no control over a situation makes you feel like life is just happening to you. And life can be a bitch sometimes.
So, how does one get on top of that very tall stallion of fear so that you can get a handful of that mane to give yourself a fighting chance? I thought you’d never ask…
Find a place to think. If you have the luxury of time to process your fears, look for a quiet space where you can think and mull it over. Please do not confuse this with dwelling. They are two distinctly different things. You need time to look at your fear from every angle to best assess how you are going to deal with it.
Remove yourself from any chaos or noise. This helps you focus and gather your thoughts. Being alone and solely focusing on your fear for a bit gives you a chance to get a handle on it. That’s half of the battle.
Look fear in the eyes. What is the worst possible outcome? That is the very first thing I do in every single crisis I’ve faced. I figure if I can recognize the worst it could be, than everything else will seem easier by comparison.
Figure out if you can handle the fear on your own or not. I’m the kind of person who goes inward when fear strikes. I need to shut everyone else out in order to come to grips with stuff. That’s just me.
But there are plenty of people who feel stronger when they share their fears with others. If that’s you, ask a friend to come along your side. Sometimes your friends will hold back on offering support in order to not overstep their bounds. Let them know you need them.
Prayer or meditation. Really, this should be up towards the top with the whole quiet place thing, but I’m pretty sure if you have a faith, you’d probably already be doing this from the get go.
One thing that bears mentioning here, just because you are faith filled does not mean your faith is weak if you are afraid. There have been plenty of times that I’ve trusted God and was still terrified. I am human, after all. In times like that my prayer has literally been…
Dear God, I’ve got nothing down here to work with. I’m out of hope/energy/choices/time. I quit. It’s your turn to drive this bus.
Because sometimes my GPS of life is broken, you know?
Cry. There is something healing about shedding tears. Let the things come. I don’t know what it is about crying, but I often times feel better when I’m done. Drained, yes, but better. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It’s a cleansing process that I don’t totally understand, but I get it enough to recognize the power in it.
Seek professional help if you need it. If you find that nothing is helping you come to grips, reach out to a professional who can help you. Ask your primary care physician for a referral. Once again, this is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it’s a sign of wisdom that you recognize that you need help. Don’t be ashamed.
While these are just some of the ways I’ve dealt with fear, there are many more. Everyone deals with fear differently. These are just the ones that I recognize work for me. Fear by nature is a scary thing. And there are precious few of us who are truly fearless.
My hope for you is that you have the strength to ride fear out. Because when the ride is over, your character will be that much stronger because of it.
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Melanie…I love this post! It’s exactly what I needed to hear at the moment, so thank you. I especially love this quote, “Feeling like you have no control over a situation makes you feel like life is just happening to you. And life can be a bitch sometimes.” I don’t want to continue feeling like life is just happening to me.
Krista- I’m so glad that you connected with this. I felt compelled to share this today and hoped that it would help someone. We all struggle and it’s important to know that you aren’t alone. Sending you thoughts of strength.
Thanks for that amazing post while most don’t know I suffer from Agoraphobia, Panic/Anxiety and yes FEAR of taking medications and am in constant therapy I appreciate you acknowledging your fears and overcoming/conquering them. I quit driving all of a sudden for no reason 2 1/2 years ago and this has been my biggest fear to overcome along with taking medications. I hope one day to recover and live a “normal” life, but until then I struggle daily : (
Oh my. That’s a lot of fear to be under. I hope you are getting some help from a professional to deal with all of that. I’d hate for you to miss out on life due to fear. Prayers for you.
Thanks Melanie and yes I am it’s a daily struggle though – your just about the sweetest person I know on the web. Your blog is my alllllll time fav.
It’s your ability to cope with that fear that makes you seem fearless to so many. Not everyone would have that strength. Really look in the mirror today Melanie and see the truly strong and brave, yes brave, woman that you are. Many would have crumbled under what life threw at you, but you fought back and that my dear was a choice that speaks volumes of your courage.
Thank you for that. That means a lot to me. If nothing else, I hope it inspires people to know that others go through rough times and survive it.
Melanie- I have been reading your blog for quite some time now. At least a year and a half. I love reading about all the great coupon deals you share as well as the everyday life things. You are a beautiful woman and have a beautiful family! I have to say this post meant a lot to me. I recently finished treatment for Breast Cancer so this post really hit home with me. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your thoughts and heart with all of us. God bless you!
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine. I hope that’s past you now and that the rest of your years are healthy and full of joy. God bless you too.
Melanie,
Ive been a silent reader for a while now, since right before your accident. I just wanted to tell you how much I needed this post today. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Jessica
I’m so glad you got something from it Jessica. And thanks for reading my blog. I appreciate it.
My oldest has his permit too! It scares me to pieces thinking of him driving but I can’t wrap him in bubble wrap! I’ve been a follower for a couple of years and I have to tell you that most of what you said today was correct but you were wrong about you not being brave! The people that run into burning building and go into gun fire to help others are brave but I’m sure that they have fear as well! You think of yourself as just a normal mother trying to put one foot in front of the other but you are sooooo much more!!! I think every mother that tries to be a great mother is in fact! We are raising the next generation. That is a huge job! I think where you see that you had no option but to work hard to get your life back, others see you as a super hero! You did have options but in your mind you had only one and I admire you for that! Chrystal, I admire you! Anyone that gets help and fights for their life, I have to admire because they ARE being brave! They are deciding their fate and not lying down and accepting the worst. Please tell little Sarah that I said Hello. I hope she is doing well. I have a new e-mail address bethany@patersonpayroll.com
Enjoy your Summer
Bethany
Maine
Wow! What an inspirational post, and at a great time for me in my life. Thank you for sharing this, Melanie. And I think tonight when I pray, I need to ask God to drive my bus for a while. I’m ready to just enjoy the ride!
Great post! When I go away and am in a hotel room (even with my husband) I leave the bathroom light on and the door cracked so it’s not pitch black
My daughter got her permit last Nov. and I was worried. She basically owns my car now. The dread will subside, I swear. Time makes things easier. You’ll never stop worrying but it does get better. Now, she’s off to college at the ripe old age of 17 
Great post Melanie. Sometimes we deal with fear out of necessity as you say, no choice. Other times we forge ahead because we can’t deal with the consequences of not trying. Fear of failure. Many times in my life that fear alone has helped me overcome many obstacles and succeed at some pretty amazing things. So in some cases we can use our fear to channel our energy to focus, perform and succeed. I have been reading your blog(s) for over two years now and I truly love how you pour yourself out to us and share so much of yourself. I am reaching out to you this evening and sharing my love and strength with you.
Fear can be thought of as a defence strategy, One our unconscious mind uses to protect us. Unfortunately it forgets we have so many better ways to do this and sometimes simply asking inside for a better way to succeed can be miraculous…….”How can I deal with xxxx safely and learn from this experience to use in the future and enjoy the process?”
Paul
Beautifully written, Thank you! I needed to read this today.
This was a wonderful post, Melanie. It hit the nail on the head in every way. Ohhh…wait until your son gets his real life, honest to goodness, doesn’t have to have his Mom in the car with him license…mine just did.
Gad, I love your posts and GOOD for you for tackling fear. I am afraid of the ocean and I was forced to confront it on a moms’ trip to Turks and Caicos where we all snorkled and dove off the roof of the boat. I didn’t realize how afraid I was until I was forced to do it but it did help to keep doing it. By day 3, I was kinda sorta enjoying it when I could get my mind from freaking out.
Bravo to every word of this. I too *despise* flying. Perhaps we can hold hands whilst sipping cocktails on the flight out to BlogHer next year!!!!!
You say that you weren’t brave because you didn’t have a choice. That couldn’t be more true. Many others choose daily to let fear control them and keep them from things like flying and driving and recovering from an almost-life ending accident with extreme determination. You CHOSE to ride your fear. THAT is the epitome of bravery, my friend. xox
Perfectly said! Like you, I’ve spent the past few years in a wheelchair & am learning to walk again (and doing pretty darned good at it!). I’m told so often about what an inspiration I am, how brave I am, etc., and I just shake my head. It’s not like I had a choice, you know?
It’s good to hear from someone who truly “gets” that. So glad I found your blog the other day — perfect timing!
Countless times over the past year or more, I’ve given the bus over to God to drive. These recent heavy trials are a “dark night of the soul”. It can be a very lonely, anxious, fearful and painful. At times a combination of all of them once. A humbling reminder of my limitations and weaknesses. I’m learning to trust and to let go, albeit not gracefully. Just the best I can given the conditions, and the only way I know how.
I’m reminded of God’s love through little graces around me. I see them as gifts where I can leap from lily pad to lily pad and get through the next day or the next hour. The tender hugs from my toddler, the jokes my eight year old cracks without missing a beat, the ear of a friend when I need her, my husband giving me a bear hug for reassurance, watching the sparrows at the bird feeder and recalling Matthew 6:26-27. All of these resonate in my heart as God letting me know: “I am with you. You are not alone. You can’t, but I can.”
Whatever happens, it is truly in His hands and according to a bigger plan that I cannot see. I’m thankful I can give the bus over. I’m sure I’ll be able to look back one day and see how it has made me stronger, deepened my faith, increased my gratefulness, exercised my patience, made me more compassionate toward others. All of it would be God and not my doing. I know all too well that left to my own devices, the weight of the trial would crush me and perhaps give me a nervous breakdown.
Thank you for your beautiful post. Your advice is full of wisdom. I’m going to reflect on a few things today, and pray about them. I realize from your writing that I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and that I need some time with God to heal matters. Thank you, Melanie.