Dear Mom and Dad, please skip this post. Dear gentle reader, if you are easily offended, you too should skip this post. Matter of fact, you all might want to skip this one. I’m about to go all TMI on you.
Still with me? Clear all liquids away from your computer, iPhone and tablet. If nothing else, don’t drink liquids while reading this post. You’ll thank me later.
Here at BlogHer, brands come to promote their new products. The newest and greatest products which they hope us bloggers will write about. Usually I wait until I get home to give the stuff a whirl. Sure, I might snarf down a granola bar, or cup of yogurt on the expo floor, but the rest I pack away until I get home.
That said, tonight I was getting ready to go to an event hosted by Harley Davidson motorcycles. I had spent most of the day working at the conference and needed to freshen up a bit. Because let’s be real, who wants to straddle a Harley without feeling fresh? Right, no one.
So, I grabbed a package of Poise Cooling Towelettes which I was given today. That was mistake number one.
Now, as you can imagine, I’m a little OCD. A normal person would either use one wipe or take a fruit loopin’ shower. Me? I use three wipes. I was meeting a girlfriend in the lobby and I was running late. I grabbed three wipes and swipe, swipe, swipe, the job was done. Mistake number two.
And at first it was awesome. It was a little tingly like what I imagine KY Intense might feel like. Refreshing and a little zingy. Fun.
Two minutes later my hoo-hoo felt like I had a good case of rug burn.
Three minutes later I felt like it was lit on fire with kerosene, nail polish remover, and a blow torch.
Five minutes later I was grabbing whatever paperwork I could find to fan my flames. I could not fan fast enough and the room air conditioner was of no help. Mistake number three, but I’m not about to explain why. You’re welcome.
Already late, there was nothing else that could be done. Off to the Harley event I went. Burning, in tears and wishing I could toss myself into the Hudson river.
Ironically, the expression on my face in this picture was not dissimilar to the expression on my face after cleaning up with the wipes.
After about an hour and a half, the burning sensation went away. Thank God. I was able to ride the Harley and life was good. No harm, no foul.
It wasn’t until I got back to the hotel and shared my story with my friend over at The Bearded Iris that I found out what the problem was.
The Poise Cooling Towelettes are made for swabbing your neck and other areas of your body that are afflicted by hot flashes. In teeny tiny print on the back of the package it clearly states not for use in the intimate areas. It doesn’t get much more intimate than your hoo-hoo folks.
What’s the takeaway? Never assume. It makes an ass out of you and me, and can plum burn yours off if you wipe it with Poise Cooling Towelettes.
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Hilarious! So glad you do the research so we don’t have to.
That’s what I’m here for. I’m sacrificing my lady bits for the education of my readers.
Melanie, We’re SOOOOO lucky to have you doing the research and testing for us. *giggle* Great post – you made my morning!
Your story is funny, especially the hoohoo part! Why would you use them there? Ick.
I tried them today for the first time, and am delighted with the cooling sensation and feelings of ‘fresh’ that came with it.
It’s long lasting, I can’t wait to get a box. Or a hundred boxes. I hope I can find them in Canada.
Best product in the world for women who are struggling with the inconvenience of hot flashes!
Giggle giggle. Too funny! Thanks for the warning! Love your site!
Thank you!
Oh my gosh, hilarious! I’m sorry you had to experience this, but thanks so much for sharing….you made my night. I hope tomorrow is a better day!
Thanks Krista. It’s much better now!
that was so funny! haha! thanks for giving us a laugh at your expense
I hope your poor kids don’t read this they may be scarred
You and me both May. Luckily my older kids are not particularly interested in my blog.
OMG! I would have used them the same way. Being a Poise product, it’s only natural to use it that way. Thanks for the warning. I’ll have to remember to read the fine print, too. Hope you’re no longer on fire!
Yup, I think they need to make that more apparent on the front of the package.
OMG! Ya Think?
Hello, Poise?
Listen to Melanie!
;o)
- Lee
P.S. Jen from Quincy (#24) is also spang on!
Omg that’s the best story I’ve heard in awhile great laughs i can hardly contain myself at 619the in the morning thanx Melanie ur great and i can always count on u and ur amazing stories
Awww, thanks Angie. I’m glad I can make someone laugh at 6:19am.
Too funny! You can’t make the stuff up
What a funny, delightful (unfortunately at your expense) way to start my Sat. morning! Seriously, How many times do we all get something new & figure we know exactly how to use it, never reading the fine print. In this case though, I believe Poise should have the Warning a bit more prominent or state on the front for neck & other body parts (not intimate areas) CLEARLY on the front of the package. If I had gotten the Body Cooling Towelettes, I would have done the same thing based on the front of the package.
Your posts just keep getting better & better!! Thanks so much!!!!
hahahahahahahahaha What a funny story! That’s so something I would have done too. I’m glad you’re feeling better now. I’m sure the Poise folks appreciate such a “hot” endorsement too!
And now I know not to do that. If you were a song writer you’d totally have a country classic. “My girly bits were on fire while ridin’ a Harley” Thanks for the first giggle of the day!
Yikes! I probably would have assumed the same thing, but thank goodness, thanks to you, I won’t make the same mistake. Too funny, this is you at your best – being real!
Are you sure we’re not related? That sounds exactly like something I would do! Who would have thought a “cooling” product would burn?!?
You are too funny!
That’s hilarious. I would’ve assumed they were safe to use down there as well. I guess you learn something new every day!
Best. Post. Ever!! I am dying over here!!
“And at first it was awesome. It was a little tingly like what I imagine KY Intense might feel like. Refreshing and a little zingy. Fun.”
Bwahahahahaha!!!!
Thanks for the chuckle!
OMG! That’s too funny, Melanie!
LOL!! While I’m sorry this happened to you, I laughed till I almost fell out of my chair! YIKES!
Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, Melanie! I have loved you since the first post I read but this is by far the best! This is so much something I might have done! I am so sorry you had to suffer to teach us something but so glad I was not the first one to get a sample of Poise Cooling Wipes or I would have done the same thing! You are so real and that is what makes you so loveable!!
It’s cuz we are moms and we don’t need directions, baby wipes, we know what those are for. poise wipes, yep, why would you need to read it? glad your better!
just imagine I’m saying “Oh My” in my best George Takei voice. You poor dear! glad it was short lived. Hot flash wipes…
I don’t think I’ve ever commented before although I’ve read your blog numerous times. This was hilarious. I read it to my husband even. I can almost 100% bet you’re not the only one that used the wipe on her lady bits. If I see any kind of wipe, I almost always think it can be used on my lady bits.
I am guessing that POISE assumed that hot flashes and the need to freshen up a bit does not affect the hoo hoo area ?!? Thx for the giggle, sorry about yer “discomfort” but this product must have been invented by a bunch of men, young’ens at that eh ;p
Too funny! But seriously, considering its made by Poise, I think most people would make that assumption, too. I mean it’s not like their pads are supposed to be used to wipe sweat from your brow when having a hot flash!
Can’t wait to hear more about your Blogher (mis) adventures!
That is soooo funny. Well, the boys need to learn to read packages, too. Besides, there are hoo hoos everywhere. I was going back to bed, but I think that I am too overly awake now.
I can not thank you enough for the warning to move beverages from the vicinity of the computer…
Yikes. They should come with a warning label!
I can always count on your blog when I need a good laugh. Was feeling down, just moved 1,000 miles from home, but I can take you with me anywhere. Not literally. I’m out of control enough without having a girlfriend like you to get in trouble with. But you know what I mean. Thanks, girlfriend.
Holy smokes…cracking up over here but sooo sorry for your burning lady parts. Ouch!
Oh my goodness….I have been there done that! The burning is beyond belief…wished at the time I could find an ice block to sit on! Thanks for making me realize I am not alone in these things. It is funny to read, but not funny to experience.
Too funny! I feel your pain….It reminds me of my first time using Nair hair remover. It stinks, so I hopped in the shower, using soap to make me smell all clean an fresh. I was clean…but my nether regions were on FIRE!!! I thought it would go away…but I had to get back in the shower…all the way on cold…just to stop the burning and pain. OMG…it was awful! That’s when I read the label that said never use soap…only water to wash off after using the hair remover. I never made that mistake again!
You’re hilarious! And guess what- they’re marketing strategy worked. I’m dying with hot flashes here, have never heard of these wipes, and am now gonna be gettin me some to try out!
I had a feeling that was where thisnwas going. So sorry that happened but so hilarious
That is TOO funny! Sorry about your burning sensation, but at least you got a great story out of it.
Oh my Melanie! Meeting you and hearing this story in person was truly one of the highlights of my first BlogHer experience! I’m sure the people of Harley Davidson appreciated your ultimate sacrifice. Now if only the folks at Harley and Poise could join forces and create a bike seat that cleans, cools, and freshens our goody baskets while we ride…
I am beyond glad that you posted the disclaimer about clearing liquids off your desk. Unfortunately, I just spewed a bite of salad right back at my computer screen. HA HA! This was hilarious. Glad you are feeling, um, back to normal again.
Melanie – it is posts like these that keep me coming back. You are so hysterical, and fun, and real. Thanks for a great laugh! Glad you aren’t still on fire!!
Oh, God. My sides hurt. I got these for my mom on a whim, so I’m going to have to give her a warning. She loves Poise pads, so I thought she would like to take these on the go to freshen up as it were. Oh, Lord, you don’t need a fire down there.
You made me laugh so hard that my husband and kids came in to to check up on me!!!
Great story and thanks for the warning!
you. are. hilarious!
OMG Melanie! If you hadn’t told us this story I probably would have done the same thing. In my book, anything called Towelettes usually gets access to the lady bits
Sorry you had to feel the burn but it made for a funny story and probably an interesting motorcycle moment.
It was fun seeing you lady. Lets do it again soon.
I love this post Melanie!! Too funny and like many above I’m glad I heeded your warning to move liquids away from my keyboard and computer. I nearly spewed and did LoL several times. Thank you for warning all of us on the proper use of this product. I’m sure Poise is getting a lot of traffic on their web site because of your post.
This post is hilarious!!! I’m glad you are ok.
I’m dying. This is hilarious beyond hilarious. I aboslutely love you for sharing this. Bahahahahaha.
yikes! came over here because i mentioned those wipes in my own post and i was apparently unclear because Janet thought I thought they were for your…yeah. i’ve since corrected the post, and happily i have not made your mistake. but the silver lining in your travails is that we all got a laugh.
I think I just wet myself I was laughing so hard!
Got a coupon today for Poise “Cooling Wand”. Now that I know what NOT to do with the Wipes, can anyone help me out with what the Cooling Wand does?
Oh my how I wish I has happened upon your experience prior to my own. It was just has bad as the quickie right before a Mexican dinner party and when I seeded the peppers I didn’t use gloves. I huess you can figure it out from there.
Off to try sitting in a container of milk and if that doesn’t work????
Omg! I literally just used those wipes for the first time ever like 5min ago. And my hooha is BURNING! So instead of going back to look at the package, i searched online, and your post came up. And my husband and i are sitting here laughing at the situation… I had no idea they were not for the intimate areas
My co worker and I just did what you did…lol. We are feeling the cooling and burning as well. We can’t stop laughing. I wish I would have read the back before I wiped. Never again will try something with out reading the uses first.
I just did this today and googled it and your post came up… LOL
I wish I would have read this 15 minutes ago! I have a pack of poise wipes that I got for free with a coupon. And since I could not bring myself to ask any of the ladies I work with if they were going through menopause…because really..i’m a woman, so I know that’s wrong, I decided to keep them for myself. And after my exercise today I ran upstairs to the bathroom in my office building to change clothes and figured I would give these wipes a try. I only used one wipe, and automatically felt the tingle and heat, and I began to think “And how does this help hot flashes?” I’m only 35!! I don’t really know what menopause is yet! I thought it was for when your..as you put it..hoo hoo got hot! And of course, like an idiot, AFTER i use the wipes, I decided to read the package and saw the same warning. I immediately washed up with cheap smelling bathroom soap, and it has helped a little. I though obviously now I have ruined my hoo hoo. It’s never going to work again. But I will find comfort in knowing that you survived. lol. And you used THREE! Thanks for posting this. I read it a little too late to stop myself from using the wipe, but just in time to not freak out about my hoo hoo falling out in the middle of the night tonight.
I read this AFTER using them!!!! What the blogger says happens happens!!! I am jumping around like Yosimite Sam yelling “my Biscuits a burnin”!
Soo, before i read this.. I used my free sample of poise cooling towelettes and i thought it was for the intimate area! I used one and 2 minutes later i was feeling soo uncomfortable, then i read the back and felt stupid lol so your not the only one. And this was only 10 minutes ago so im still pretty uncomfortable! :p
Omg I wish I would have seen this before I made the same mistake. I got a free sample of them in the mail and I assumed since they were made by poise (who makes pads) that they were to be used down there as well. Now I get to go to bed burning.
I just used my sample….I was having major hot flashes all morning. I took one wipe, wiped under arms, neck, under the boobs….and 5 minutes later I’m sitting here eating my salad and all of a sudden my boobs are burning and underneath. I started panicking thinking….sudden heat in chest area, heart attack? Oh my, I quickly put two and two together, looked online for info and here I found this blog…OMG…I don’t particularly like the burning feeling. Some would feel it as a cooling sensation but I feel heat so I think I will just use the other refreshing wipes available out there without the added heat…lol
Well it continues, I just tried these 15 minutes ago and was like “um let me read the package cause something is not right”. Thanks for this post. Not really sure why Poise didn’t make that clear on the front of the package.
To me, it’s really not a laughing matter. Same thing happened to me while using Poise Toweletts. The burning was terrible after a few minutes. I had to sit on a wet towel and then use monistate to stop the burning. Wish I had read the instructions first. The name seems a bit deceiving.