I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to write this post. Most of me says not to, but then there’s that slice of me that says I have to. It will certainly explain my up and down personal posts as of late…
Do you remember how I shared with you how I’ve put off going to the gynecologist for years and that I finally bit the bullet and did it? Well, my greatest fear was that they’d find something. And guess what?
Now, I’m going to get all cryptic on you and not get too far into detail. I mean, these are my lady parts and I hardly feel ok having a doctor get into that area of my life. I’m not ready to go into super detail with you all quite yet.
But I’ll tell you a little bit about what’s going on. Or at the very least I’ll use this post to try to sort this stuff out in my own head. So, let’s start at the beginning…
After my first lady parts visit in years which included my first mammogram, I sort of expected something to come back badly. I am in my 40′s you know. This is when stuff is supposed to fall apart.
So, when I went in and the doctor said that the pap smear and mammogram were all negative, I let out the biggest sigh of relief you can imagine.
Then she said the following word:
As in those results were clear, but we found something somewhere else.
And I wasn’t prepared for that “but”. I was prepared for cervical cancer. I was prepared for a lump in my breast. But I was not prepared for the “but” disease which never even entered my mind.
Here’s the deal…
It could be nothing. I mean it really could be. And she was very clear in explaining that in most cases this is nothing.
But she needs to rule out something. And that something is a really big something.
That was almost two months ago now. I’ve been back for two tests. The latest was this morning. And now I have two weeks to wait for the results.
Best case scenario, I need surgery and will be off my feet for a few days and life goes back to normal.
Worst case scenario, I die.
With a whole range of possible scenarios in-between.
Or it could be nothing.
I have to keep telling myself that or I am going to spiral down into a not so great place.
A few thoughts that have been running through my head over the last eight weeks or so…
I did not survive a near fatal accident two years ago to die now.
I’ve had a dramatic 43 years. If it’s my time, I’m lucky to have experienced what I have.
The results could show that it has resolved.
Even still, they are going to operate.
I hate hospitals.
I’ve bled enough.
I need chocolate and a bottle of wine and not in that order.
How will my kids function with me sick again?
How will they function if I die?
Who will come to my funeral?
Will anyone miss me?
Did I love everyone enough that I meant to?
Do not let them bury me with frizzy hair. Someone better flat iron it for the viewing.
Mostly morbid thoughts with a few sprinkles of “it will be ok”. I wonder if people waiting for test results go through the same morbid thought process as a way of coping?
A friend of mine recently told me “you are pretty tough, you know”.
But the truth is that I don’t feel all that tough right now.
Frankly, I’m sort of terrified.
Maybe people only have so much tough in them. Like a bank of tough in their souls. And after too many life traumas/dramas have taken withdrawals, the bank goes bankrupt? I might be at that point.
Listen, and I really mean what I’m about to say…
I don’t want you to worry about me. And I sure as hell don’t want you to feel bad for me. I don’t share this kind of stuff in order for you to pay attention to me and make me feel better.
I think you know that I’m not that kind of girl.
I’m just writing this down so that you understand my schizophrenic writing as of late. I know my writing has been all over the board.
But that’s because I am all over the board. Some days I’m really excited and hopeful.
The next day I’m planning my funeral.
But most likely it’s nothing.
But what if it’s something?